bear parade

A Pushcart Can Be Won

2008-12-01T11:24:00.000-08:00

2008 Bear Parade Pushcart Nominations

1. Eat When You Feel Sad by Zachary German
2. Nosferatu by Noah Cicero

the pushcart nomination process

2007-11-27T15:02:00.000-08:00

Gene: i am still working on the book
i want to finish

me: i want you to finish
whenever you finish
i will link

Gene: it will be soon
i have what i want it to look like

me: people will read
more excitement in the world

Gene: i need to do pushcart
i don't have time

me: want me to do it?
does it require postal mail

Gene: yes

me: i can do it
did you pick which ones
i just bought stamps

Gene: they are all good

me: you have a wife, i should do it

Gene: http://www.pushcartprize.com/nominate.htm [http://www.pushcartprize.com/nominate.htm]

me: should i just pick the ones they said in the comment section

Gene: yes
i like those

me: okay i will do this tomorrow

Gene: good
thank you

me: you're welcome
teamwork

Gene: they have to be there by december 1st
but you live in new york
so it shouldn't take long

me: is it postmark date

Gene: it doesn't say

me: probably is

Gene: there is no entry fee though
i like pushcart
they take everything from everywhere

me: i dont know who reads it though
rick moody maybe

Gene: he likes us

me: we rejeceted him

Gene: he wants to be "in" with us

me: he's writing a bear parade book now, agonizing
studying ofelia hunt's sentences

Gene: he will be jealous of daniel

me: he will punch his computer screen
then apply for another NEA grant

Gene: next year i am going to ask the houston endowment for the arts for $5,000
for bear parade
get mad city bills
i am going to be jobless
jobless asshole

me: i like jobless asshole more than jobless bitch

Gene: bitches are mean with purpose
assholes are mean by birth

me: that sounds like tagline for movie starring samuel l jackson
or adam sandler
or someone else

Gene: "Snakes on a Wedding Asshole"
starring adam sandler and samuel jackson
as gay men
who fight snakes
at a wedding

me: that sounds good
i shoudl email miranda july that

Gene: she could get it green lighted
hollywood wants her to make that movie

me: it woudl end up starring ben stiller and chris tucker
snakes on a wedding asshole
i'm laughing
elimae shoudl accept that sentence

Gene: i will email them

me: i'm going to post this gmail chat on bear parade blog, to show the pushcart process

Gene: mcsweeneys will like the plot synopsis
we take prizes serious
serious winnings
equal serious credibility

me: if we win we can put a jpeg of winner of pushcart prize over whoever won it
over their book
covering the text

Gene: i can do that easily
it's like three lines of code

me: prepare the code
so we can do it immediately

Gene: i will have it on standby
for eight months

me: ben lerner's book would have won bear parade something

Gene: we would be the first winner of the web nobel
Nobel Prize for Best Website 2008

me: Nobel Web Prize
al gore would present to us
bear parade is against global warming

Gene: We could have a high-resolution animated nobel gif on our site

me: we focus on animals more than humans
a spinning nobel prize icon that covers the entire sceren

Gene: a flash intro page

me: sponsorship from american airlines
bear parade flies american airlines

Gene: bear parade is so close to corporate sponsorship

me: is it alright if i post the chat, did we say anything incriminating
american airlines is discussing it, viewing the website on powerpoint screen
i'm going to poop

Gene: okay
post it
rick moody will like it

me: more exposure for him

Gene: rick moody could do our television commercials
authors don't do tv anymore
unless they're on oprah

me: wikiepdia, "He received a Master of Fine Arts degree from Columbia University in 1986; nearly two decades later he would criticize the program in an essay in The Atlantic Monthly.[1] Soon after finishing his thesis, he checked himself into a mental hospital for alcoholism.[2] Once sober and while working for Farrar, Straus and Giroux, he wrote his first novel, Garden State, about young people growing up in the industrial wasteland of northern New Jersey, where he was living at the time."
i want to read garden state

Gene: i saw george saunders a few weeks ago
i need to read more rick moody

me: george saunders read my books i think
i liked the ice storm i think

Gene: he seems really nice
i liked listening to him talk

me: i'm going to post the process
then begin working on things

Gene: good
i need to do my spanish homework

Pushcart

2007-11-19T20:09:00.000-08:00

I forgot about the Pushcart deal. I have to have it in by the 1st of December.

We need to nominate some stories. Since there are only like three potential books, plus one I am going to release next week, I need to know which stories should be nominated. I think I can nominate six.

I am going to nominate Daniel's whole book as one, since no one outside of bear parade has read it.

Five more.

Tell me in the comments. The three latest books on the site. Read them again. They are all really nice and worth reading again. Pick five stories. I will figure it out using your suggestions. Help us. I need to go to the bathroom now.

here is a suggestion

2007-10-25T11:24:00.000-07:00

this picture is a preview of the next bear parade book

if you want to make money, bear parade pays money for your work. rick moody amounts of money. so, if you have big balls like rick moody, why not try submitting? we rejected him.

another suggestion, if you don't like bear parade, why not try not submitting to bear parade? bear parade can publish like one book a year, and it will still exist. bear parade spends around thirty dollars a year on publishing, regardless of how many books it publishes.

the next book is SMALL PALE HUMANS by daniel spinks. it will be published in the next month. it is very easy to read and direct. i would say that almost every bear parade book requires a seventh grade reading level, so you can feel comfortable reading any of them. you can feel less isolated. your thoughts can feel less awkward, and the sadness that you, like every person, feel daily can gain some sort of significance in being insignificant.

bear parade is slow

2007-05-30T12:31:00.000-07:00

i am reading submissions. i haven't replied to a few that were sent almost a month ago. i am sorry.

i am looking for a new book to work on.

this book must have at least ten poems or stories and be about something that i haven't thought of before. it also must be entertaining and somewhat violent. also, it should have non-sexual sex, and have fish in it somehow. the book must be at least 20% about fish.

please. i know i have rejected everyone, and made myself unlikable. please send me a book that is fit for bear parade, forgiveness. i will pay you in alcohol and books and whatever else. i have a collection of hats, you can have any of them.

email bearparade@gmail.com for a list of hats.

a lesson on editing for web publishers and people who waste giant bags of money

2007-03-16T09:16:00.000-07:00

i'm listening to dance music and editing tao and ellen's book into .rtf format. i have not changed any of the words, or made any alterations to what they originally sent me as their book, i am just reformatting the book into the format that i usually write in, so i can read the work easier, and get a better idea of what the book should look like. i am an editor.

as an editor, i read the work, and accept the work, and accept the writers and what they do, and then i think of the best way to present their work, which is always, in theory, a way that i am almost inexistent as an editor. it is impossible for me to be nothing, but if it was possible, i would be that.

modern editors want to shape taste, and i do that. except i found a way to do that without being an asshole and deleting words or removing passages or inserting my own ego.

here is how i "shape taste": i accept authors when i accept their work, and i let these authors, like tao and noah and ellen and ofelia, help themselves, and shape things whatever way they want to. these are people that know what they are doing, and i am a person that knows that they know what they are doing. i can not tell them anything they do not know about writing. my skill is designing websites, and i can only help them with that. if they have a suggestion, i use it to influence my own direction and what i need to be doing.

being an editor requires no power or ego. it requires knowing how to print material and checking for grammatical errors (which i don't spend too much time on, because i can always change things). being an editor requires trusting the skill of the people you work with.

i'm sure paper books are different and have all sorts of political implications and money issues. but fuck paper books. i accomplish a similar goal, reach a similar amount of people, and spend around $300 a year doing so. in order for someone to bankroll bear parade (maybe 8 books a year), they would have to work at mcdonalds or subway for a little over 60 hours. in order for someone to bankroll one printed book for a paper publishing house, they would have to work something like 5,000 hours at mcdonalds or subway.

i go on a small tirade

2007-03-12T07:58:00.000-07:00

it takes me a while to respond. this is not because we have so many submissions that it's impossible for me to make it through them all quickly, and it is not because i take so much time to study each submission and make sure it is something we can or cannot use. it is because i am not anxious to make myself an asshole, crusher of submission hope.

bear parade is small, and doesn't need to get any bigger. if you are already reading it, you are good. you were able to find it, and you like honest writing that is not full of shitty and cliched extended metaphors and words and phrases that have little or no actual meaning.

read politics and the english language by george orwell. apply it to all of your writing, even if it is not political.

most of the people that submit honestly to bear parade are not untalented writers.

the "bad" submissions i get are from people who send out blanket submissions to multiple publications. fuck these people.

if you are one of these people, i will not reply with anything nice or informative. fuck you, dick. you do not read the site.

bear parade publishes books. if you do not submit a book, fuck you. you do not read the site.

while i'm on my tirade, fuck you, also, people who want off the mailing list. you do not read the site.

submission notes

2007-03-09T12:24:00.000-08:00

submissions are closed for the next bear parade book. the next bear parade book is coming soon, and will be the most graphically enhanced yet. five or six colors. graphically enhanced .gif content. colored text. graphically enhanced colored text.

submissions are open for the book after the next bear parade book. there is an electronically advanced submission process, and a unique reply for every submission.

miranda july blurbed tao. she should submit a bear parade book. it's hard to find free writing of hers on the internet, so i have no idea what her writing is like, even though i think i have read something of hers before. i am aware of her video art.

there are currently six submissions in the bear parade inbox. i just read one by ben myers, and i don't know how i'm going to reply yet.

usually, i throw in a curse word when i reply to submissions to let folks know that i am "with it".

ben lerner

2007-03-07T11:45:00.000-08:00

we asked ben lerner to submit to bear parade a few weeks before he was nominated for the national book award

he said he didn't have any poems available but would think of us in the future when he had more poems

bear parade reading tip #1

2007-02-16T13:27:00.000-08:00

use ctrl and + to make the font larger.

use ctrl and - to make the font unreadable.

new kind of bear parade

2006-12-08T14:13:00.000-08:00

bear parade classics edited by kristen iskandrian

bear parade ultra is also being discussed

maybe

new noah cicero book

2006-10-16T07:16:00.000-07:00

new noah cicero book.

bear parade has another new name!

2006-10-03T09:51:00.000-07:00

i changed the name of bear parade again. i'm a sad sad person. little resolve, even littler strength. i'm just lots of little stuff in a little sad ball.

jessica simpson parade is so sad and ball like in its sadness.

bear parade has a new name!

2006-09-29T14:05:00.000-07:00

"swanky asian blowjobs and pool party butt sex" is the new browser window name for the internet publishing house, bear parade.

over the course of the past few weeks we tested the name "ass parade", and to the delight of upper management, this generated very high and substantial volume of traffic.

so we decided our name needed to engage a wider audience.

while "ass parade" appeals only to people who enjoy asses and ass parade magazine in general, "swanky asian blowjobs and pool party butt sex" appeals to such a wide and all encompassing cornucopia of webpornsurfers, that it would be impossible for me to list every taste-licious flavor of possible webpornsurfer sexual pornlust.

tao suggested i use "asian cunt" for the new, more hardcorer browser window name, but that seemed inappropriate, so i went with something specific, but not so blatantly derogatory towards the awesomely hot pleasure-hole that is the female vagina. no one should be offended.

swanky asian blowjobs and pool party butt sex are natural things, and should be embraced by the larger community.

the more swanky asian blowjobs and pool party butt sex that exist, the less war. and that's a good thing for people, right? you don't want a bloody global war waged by a global force that doesn't stop killing you and those close to you until your bloodline and friends bloodlines that once numbered in the hundreds of thousands is wiped clean from the sad and horrible face of a pitiless scorched earth, do you? exactly.

visit swanky asian blowjobs and pool party butt sex!

new bear parade books

2006-09-25T10:57:00.001-07:00

bear parade is going to have a few new books in the next couple of months.

both of these books will be completely different in content.

one will be subtle and beautiful, i think and hope.

the other will stab your face over and over until you die.

i, gene morgan, one of the editors of bear parade, like both of these possible, unfinished books a lot. a double lot.

if anyone has any ideas to support the rampant buying of books from authors that deserve their books bought and given away for free, please let me know.

i don't have the time to think.

i mostly only have time to act and do, not to think about if i am going to act and do.

submit to bear parade, if you haven't already. we accept 0% of all unsolicited submissions.

tao lin's second bear parade book

2006-08-30T11:25:00.000-07:00

Today The Sky is Blue and White with Bright Blue Spots and a Small Pale Moon and I Will Destroy Our Relationship Today by Tao Lin

this is what happens when dumb things happen and better things happen as a direct result of those dumb things.

i'm not going to piss on anyone. partially because i don't really care about whatever happened with this book, partially because bear parade won.

i'm proud to publish this, and give the book away for free to anyone who wants to read it. give it to the maximum number of people possible. give the stories to people that i don't know, as they were written.

it should print-out okay, if you know someone who doesn't have a computer.

and you're killing trees if you print it, but i'll leave that ax in your hand. murderer. just kidding.

matthew rohrer desktop wallpaper and book announcement

2006-06-05T15:24:00.000-07:00

1024 x 768

from THE IDEOGRAMS by Matthew Rohrer

official book announcement

2006-05-02T11:49:00.000-07:00

yesterday i was talking to myself and i told myself that i was going to write a book and give it to you so i put paper in my bag and put a pen in my bag and rode my bike to the river bank and then sat on the ground and thought 'i will never write a book' and watched ducks swim away from me by Ellen Kennedy

ellen kennedy is about to wreck your shit

2006-05-01T15:47:00.000-07:00

seriously. sit down. get ready.

official bear parade wallpaper

2006-04-23T07:45:00.000-07:00

1024 x 768

i upload

2006-04-11T21:23:00.000-07:00

yes

the mailing list. i will eat you.

2006-04-08T15:34:00.000-07:00

official book announcement

2006-04-07T21:03:00.000-07:00

TOUCH MY OMELET by M. E. CRAIG

i'm going to write a poem about bears and hamsters

2006-04-01T22:06:00.000-08:00

a bear punches a hamster in its face

the hamster flys backwards twenty feet

and knocks down five barrels

the hamster stands up

the hamster flying jump kicks the bear in the face

the bear flips ten times and lands on a speedboat

the bear operates the speedboat and goes to alaska, taking the indian-passage route

the hamster flies to alaska before the bear gets there and kills alaska

when the bear gets to alaska there is no alaska and the bear falls into a hole

the hamster adds this accomplishment to its resume

i made this in appleworks

2006-03-27T20:11:00.000-08:00

hamsters

2006-03-27T15:22:00.000-08:00

hamsters and bears

im sleepy

2006-03-25T00:07:00.000-08:00

a preview of the next bear parade book.

2006-03-24T15:34:00.000-08:00

this should be a poem, but is not. someone should write a poem about this.

2006-03-24T11:52:00.000-08:00

Samuel L. Jackson's new mile-high thriller Snakes On A Plane has created such a buzz among internet film fans, movie bosses have called for re-shoots - to give the film a tougher rating. The film, which stars Jackson as an FBI agent trying to keep a federal witness alive onboard a plane full of snakes, wrapped last September - but went back before the cameras earlier this month for five days of additional shooting. Film bosses at distributor New Line Cinema opted to add new scenes to the film to take the movie from PG-13 into R-rated territory, according to industry magazine The Hollywood Reporter. They claim the second round of filming became necessary after intense and growing fan interest in the film, which is scheduled to be released this summer. Among the reported additions to the film is a foul-mouthed rant from Jackson in which his agent character bellows, "I want these motherfucking snakes off the motherfucking plane!" The line is expected to take on cult status. The film-makers have reportedly added more gore, more deaths, more nudity and more snakes to the finished product.

a gmail chat poem with a person that will have a bear parade book in the future

2006-03-20T16:43:00.000-08:00

i want a blueberry to suck my face off

me: i will kick your face into your head
can i arrest me

Ellen: yay

me: i wish i were a cop
i would arrest flowers
my eyes hurt
why can't i make money/

Ellen: i like this chat gmail

me: gmail is a blueberry

Ellen: what if the blueberries get squished?!?!

me: i am patting your head right now

Ellen: the u.s postal service will squish them!

me: i will lick them
i will lick the postal service
i think everything is a blueverry
the name of my next book is 'blueberry'
is, 'i think everything is a blueberry

Ellen: i ate an entire box of raspberries today

me: i stole chocolate from whole foods
do you think stealing is wrong

Ellen: no

me: i am poor
i gave money to a homeless man and complimented his jacket
his jacket was a NYPD jacket
he was a nice man
my friends were assholes

Ellen: if the u.s postal service doesn;t squish the blueberries you must share them with homeless people. i wont send you anymore if you dont. you will have plenty of blueberries to share. i bought four boxes

me: gmail should sell blueberries

Ellen: two pints

me: okay i will
i will walk around
sharing
yes!
i am happy
i will send you a five page hamster comic
color
gberries

Ellen: thank you
i think that if the blueberries get squished i will kill everyone
will you help?

me: i hope they are squished
so we can kill everyone
lets put machine guns in the homeless men's little cups

Ellen: a website said that blueberries stay fresh for 7-10 in a refridgerator. do you think they can last one day not in a refridgerator?
yes that is good

me: they can last because they sit in the stores for that long
and outside
where can we buy grenades
i said i can throw a grenade and run in a subway station and not get in trouble

Ellen: probably
there's so many people in there
they wouldnt even notice
they'd all blow up and be like "meh"

me: they'll push severed arms off the chairs to sit there
and have annoyed faces

Ellen: the wild hamsters will come and sniff the severed arms
they love to sniff severed human limbs

me: your drawing made me feel like smarter
i was like, 'oh, that is what they think'
but what if i put a hamstersuit on a grenade

Ellen: that sentence would be better if you wrote ' i put a hamstersuit on a grenade'

me: i agre
thank you
nex ttime
i am writing that poem
when it talk to you you make me smarter

Ellen: thank you

me: do you think the new yorker will accept my poem

Ellen: i think life would be easier if you just blew up the new yorker instead of submitting poetry

me: if we keep talking we'll get smarter
and know how to put grenades in emails

Ellen: i think we should put our poem we wrote together on bear parade but really just put a link with the title in it that doesnt go anywhere and everybody will feel left out and sad and maybe kill themselves

me: that is a good idea
if one person kills themself our lives are not worthless

Ellen: that is true
that sentence used to say that si ture but i fixed it but now i regret it

me: you are honest
double honest
i am patting your head
and licking your nose
can i give gene your email
i told him to email you
does he have your email

Ellen: he doesnt have my email. well maybe. my email is on my blog i think but the french email not the fish

me: okay then i am emailing him your email

Ellen: im afraid

me: good
i mea
n
oh
don't
you are behind the internet
i can't put a grenade through

Ellen: oh okay
i was worried
im still a little worried

me: in the future we'll just move into bear parade
what are you worried about?

Ellen: i dont know. i just worry. i worry that gene morgan will hide outside my window with a rifle and then call my house and watch me pick up the phone through the window then hang up and shoot me.
there
i said it

me: hahaha
oh
hmm
just
wear a bullet proof helmet
and ear muffs

Ellen: okay

me: i have an apple here
it's a ladyfinger apple

Ellen: i wish i had an apple or some raspberries. i ate all the raspberries and i feel bad about it. no i dont. im glad i ate all the raspberries. they were good

me: i like that you changed your mind
that shows you are a good person to me

Ellen: when i read your name i think about quantum physics.
tau lepton

me: is that a person
that is like me but deformed
your name makes me think you want to be an astronaut

Ellen: my name makes me think of a little teapot but with a crack in it.
no its not a person
its a type of particle

me: my name makes me feel like a smart pencil made out of metal
i like particles

Ellen: me too
tau leptons are negatively charged particles
are you negatively charged?

me: i am my face
my body is my face
and a ball

Ellen: when i die my skin will peel off in big sheets

me: can i be there
i will do the spinning thing
where i peel it off and you spin

Ellen: okay
i need mallory coppenrath's armpits right now. bring them to me
please
please

me: i haven't talked to her
the last time she text messaged me, 'lets rent and see junebug'
and i said 'okay'
and nothing happened
my armpits
i have armpist
i'm afraid of that typo

Ellen: me too. it reminds me of a giant octopus sucking on my face
my armpits are orange and white

me: i want a blueberry to suck my face off
and eat my arms
why is everything good impossible?

Ellen: i want to watch the blueberry suck your face off and eat your arms
because life is cruel and meaningless

me: our gmail chat is better than anything published in the world
even in japan

Ellen: let's submit it to poetry magazine

me: okay
my face hurts
rub a hecatomb on my face

Ellen: i dont know what that is. im sorry

me: it's a concrete thing
i don't know
can we publish this on the bear parade blog?

Ellen: the right side of my frontal lobe hurts me

me: we should get paid for being ourselves

Ellen: sure

me: lets publish this on the bear parade blog
how can i get paid

Ellen: we always talk about how to get you paid but in the end we always decide that killing everyone while wearing bear suits is the best way
everytime
publish this on bear parade right now

me: okay!
what is it called

Ellen: who gets to be me or who gets to be tao or who gets to be ellen?

me: i don't know what is happening right now
my hands look like blueberries
i just sniffed them
what do i do
tell me my next thing in life

Ellen: call it 'i want a blueberry to suck my face off'
um

me: okay
how do i delete all the names
or do i keep the names
it says ME for tao

Ellen: it says me for ellen
thats what i meant before

me: oh

Ellen: when i said all that stuff that didnt really make sense but did kind of

me: if i rub a blueberry on the chat it should turn into a book

Ellen: okay

me: wait
since i am posting it i will use me as me
and people will know me

Ellen: people don;t know me
which is good

me: it will have your name to link to your
thing

Ellen: wait no

me: should it

Ellen: it will say ellen
thats not good

me: there are many ellens
i'll say you're just a blueberry

Ellen: i know we just said ellen
i meant to say oh no
hahaha
im stupid

me: we said ellen
gene just began a chat with me
oh i said gene
what is happening

Ellen: tell gene not to shoot me when i pick up the phone
please
tell him

me: i am afraid
too

Ellen: say ' dont shoot ellen when she picks up the phone please'

me: i am wearing a bullet-proof face helmet right now

Ellen: im posting this on bear parade
right now

me: how can you post it

Ellen: wait

me: only i can post it

Ellen: can i do that?
fuck bear parade
no
i didnt mean that

me: you are out of control
let me hold your head in a death grip
for a few minutes

Ellen: usually i;ve just been smiling but i just laughed very loud and hard
i frightened my cat because of it
why did you do that to me and my cat?

me: i am happy
jump over your cat
sometimes i run and jump over my dog
and laugh in his face

Ellen: if i did that my cat would just suck my face off and then yawn a little

me: i want to yawn my face off

Ellen: sometimes i making a roaring sound when i yawn and it makes people uncomfortable
i cant control it
i swear
i said making

me: you are awesome
that is ebonics
that's good

Ellen: we might have to split this up into chapters

me: i just stared at the screen for one minute without thinking
Ellen: im yawning
im not yawning anymore
i just yawned again

me: when am i posting this
i'm bored of life
i want to buy a book called, 'what to do when you are bored of life'

Ellen: lots of people ask my why i drown myself in my bathtub for a hobby and i say ' because im bored of life and i cant shoot things because the police will arrest me' this usually scares them
i meant me

me: okay i am posting this

Ellen: lets make people pay to read it on the paypal

me: okay
yes!
i will put a disclaimer
before you read this you must pay
how much though

Ellen: $50
and if they complain
we will send hamsters to eat their ass
hamsters love ass
tell them that

me: okay
this should be a part of it
so if they read it
they will feel guilty at the end
right now

Ellen: yes!

writing rick moody

2006-03-17T21:57:00.000-08:00

I spent three hours writing an open letter to Rick Moody, and deleted it.

Also, I wrote an analysis of that letter here, and deleted that.

I can delete whatever I want. I can lie.

I may or may not have exciting news about the next bear parade book.

It is coming soon.

this is what the editor of bear parade thinks about on an airplane ride.

2006-03-15T21:42:00.000-08:00

People are reading books all around me. Everybody on the plane is reading a book, except for me. The babies are reading books. The stewardesses and captains are reading books. My luggage is reading a novella. I'm typing something that will never exist on paper.

Bald people are assholes.

That will never exist on paper, me saying that. I can delete it later if I want to, if I fall in love with a bald person or go bald. I can erase my emotions and my feelings towards the bald.

I'm writing a letter to Rick Moody.

bear parade

2006-03-14T15:35:00.000-08:00

bear parade

uh, bear parade