bear parade

the blog


i made this in appleworks


hamsters and bears


im sleepy


a preview of the next bear parade book.

this should be a poem, but is not. someone should write a poem about this.

Samuel L. Jackson's new mile-high thriller Snakes On A Plane has created such a buzz among internet film fans, movie bosses have called for re-shoots - to give the film a tougher rating. The film, which stars Jackson as an FBI agent trying to keep a federal witness alive onboard a plane full of snakes, wrapped last September - but went back before the cameras earlier this month for five days of additional shooting. Film bosses at distributor New Line Cinema opted to add new scenes to the film to take the movie from PG-13 into R-rated territory, according to industry magazine The Hollywood Reporter. They claim the second round of filming became necessary after intense and growing fan interest in the film, which is scheduled to be released this summer. Among the reported additions to the film is a foul-mouthed rant from Jackson in which his agent character bellows, "I want these motherfucking snakes off the motherfucking plane!" The line is expected to take on cult status. The film-makers have reportedly added more gore, more deaths, more nudity and more snakes to the finished product.


a gmail chat poem with a person that will have a bear parade book in the future

i want a blueberry to suck my face off
me: i will kick your face into your head
can i arrest me

Ellen: yay

me: i wish i were a cop
i would arrest flowers
my eyes hurt
why can't i make money/

Ellen: i like this chat gmail

me: gmail is a blueberry

Ellen: what if the blueberries get squished?!?!

me: i am patting your head right now

Ellen: the u.s postal service will squish them!

me: i will lick them
i will lick the postal service
i think everything is a blueverry
the name of my next book is 'blueberry'
is, 'i think everything is a blueberry

Ellen: i ate an entire box of raspberries today

me: i stole chocolate from whole foods
do you think stealing is wrong

Ellen: no

me: i am poor
i gave money to a homeless man and complimented his jacket
his jacket was a NYPD jacket
he was a nice man
my friends were assholes

Ellen: if the u.s postal service doesn;t squish the blueberries you must share them with homeless people. i wont send you anymore if you dont. you will have plenty of blueberries to share. i bought four boxes

me: gmail should sell blueberries

Ellen: two pints

me: okay i will
i will walk around
i am happy
i will send you a five page hamster comic

Ellen: thank you
i think that if the blueberries get squished i will kill everyone
will you help?

me: i hope they are squished
so we can kill everyone
lets put machine guns in the homeless men's little cups

Ellen: a website said that blueberries stay fresh for 7-10 in a refridgerator. do you think they can last one day not in a refridgerator?
yes that is good

me: they can last because they sit in the stores for that long
and outside
where can we buy grenades
i said i can throw a grenade and run in a subway station and not get in trouble

Ellen: probably
there's so many people in there
they wouldnt even notice
they'd all blow up and be like "meh"

me: they'll push severed arms off the chairs to sit there
and have annoyed faces

Ellen: the wild hamsters will come and sniff the severed arms
they love to sniff severed human limbs

me: your drawing made me feel like smarter
i was like, 'oh, that is what they think'
but what if i put a hamstersuit on a grenade

Ellen: that sentence would be better if you wrote ' i put a hamstersuit on a grenade'

me: i agre
thank you
nex ttime
i am writing that poem
when it talk to you you make me smarter

Ellen: thank you

me: do you think the new yorker will accept my poem

Ellen: i think life would be easier if you just blew up the new yorker instead of submitting poetry

me: if we keep talking we'll get smarter
and know how to put grenades in emails

Ellen: i think we should put our poem we wrote together on bear parade but really just put a link with the title in it that doesnt go anywhere and everybody will feel left out and sad and maybe kill themselves

me: that is a good idea
if one person kills themself our lives are not worthless

Ellen: that is true
that sentence used to say that si ture but i fixed it but now i regret it

me: you are honest
double honest
i am patting your head
and licking your nose
can i give gene your email
i told him to email you
does he have your email

Ellen: he doesnt have my email. well maybe. my email is on my blog i think but the french email not the fish

me: okay then i am emailing him your email

Ellen: im afraid

me: good
i mea
you are behind the internet
i can't put a grenade through

Ellen: oh okay
i was worried
im still a little worried

me: in the future we'll just move into bear parade
what are you worried about?

Ellen: i dont know. i just worry. i worry that gene morgan will hide outside my window with a rifle and then call my house and watch me pick up the phone through the window then hang up and shoot me.
i said it

me: hahaha
wear a bullet proof helmet
and ear muffs

Ellen: okay

me: i have an apple here
it's a ladyfinger apple

Ellen: i wish i had an apple or some raspberries. i ate all the raspberries and i feel bad about it. no i dont. im glad i ate all the raspberries. they were good

me: i like that you changed your mind
that shows you are a good person to me

Ellen: when i read your name i think about quantum physics.
tau lepton

me: is that a person
that is like me but deformed
your name makes me think you want to be an astronaut

Ellen: my name makes me think of a little teapot but with a crack in it.
no its not a person
its a type of particle

me: my name makes me feel like a smart pencil made out of metal
i like particles

Ellen: me too
tau leptons are negatively charged particles
are you negatively charged?

me: i am my face
my body is my face
and a ball

Ellen: when i die my skin will peel off in big sheets

me: can i be there
i will do the spinning thing
where i peel it off and you spin

Ellen: okay
i need mallory coppenrath's armpits right now. bring them to me

me: i haven't talked to her
the last time she text messaged me, 'lets rent and see junebug'
and i said 'okay'
and nothing happened
my armpits
i have armpist
i'm afraid of that typo

Ellen: me too. it reminds me of a giant octopus sucking on my face
my armpits are orange and white

me: i want a blueberry to suck my face off
and eat my arms
why is everything good impossible?

Ellen: i want to watch the blueberry suck your face off and eat your arms
because life is cruel and meaningless

me: our gmail chat is better than anything published in the world
even in japan

Ellen: let's submit it to poetry magazine

me: okay
my face hurts
rub a hecatomb on my face

Ellen: i dont know what that is. im sorry

me: it's a concrete thing
i don't know
can we publish this on the bear parade blog?

Ellen: the right side of my frontal lobe hurts me

me: we should get paid for being ourselves

Ellen: sure

me: lets publish this on the bear parade blog
how can i get paid

Ellen: we always talk about how to get you paid but in the end we always decide that killing everyone while wearing bear suits is the best way
publish this on bear parade right now

me: okay!
what is it called

Ellen: who gets to be me or who gets to be tao or who gets to be ellen?

me: i don't know what is happening right now
my hands look like blueberries
i just sniffed them
what do i do
tell me my next thing in life

Ellen: call it 'i want a blueberry to suck my face off'

me: okay
how do i delete all the names
or do i keep the names
it says ME for tao

Ellen: it says me for ellen
thats what i meant before

me: oh

Ellen: when i said all that stuff that didnt really make sense but did kind of

me: if i rub a blueberry on the chat it should turn into a book

Ellen: okay

me: wait
since i am posting it i will use me as me
and people will know me

Ellen: people don;t know me
which is good

me: it will have your name to link to your

Ellen: wait no

me: should it

Ellen: it will say ellen
thats not good

me: there are many ellens
i'll say you're just a blueberry

Ellen: i know we just said ellen
i meant to say oh no
im stupid

me: we said ellen
gene just began a chat with me
oh i said gene
what is happening

Ellen: tell gene not to shoot me when i pick up the phone
tell him

me: i am afraid

Ellen: say ' dont shoot ellen when she picks up the phone please'

me: i am wearing a bullet-proof face helmet right now

Ellen: im posting this on bear parade
right now

me: how can you post it

Ellen: wait

me: only i can post it

Ellen: can i do that?
fuck bear parade
i didnt mean that

me: you are out of control
let me hold your head in a death grip
for a few minutes

Ellen: usually i;ve just been smiling but i just laughed very loud and hard
i frightened my cat because of it
why did you do that to me and my cat?

me: i am happy
jump over your cat
sometimes i run and jump over my dog
and laugh in his face

Ellen: if i did that my cat would just suck my face off and then yawn a little

me: i want to yawn my face off

Ellen: sometimes i making a roaring sound when i yawn and it makes people uncomfortable
i cant control it
i swear
i said making

me: you are awesome
that is ebonics
that's good

Ellen: we might have to split this up into chapters

me: i just stared at the screen for one minute without thinking
Ellen: im yawning
im not yawning anymore
i just yawned again

me: when am i posting this
i'm bored of life
i want to buy a book called, 'what to do when you are bored of life'

Ellen: lots of people ask my why i drown myself in my bathtub for a hobby and i say ' because im bored of life and i cant shoot things because the police will arrest me' this usually scares them
i meant me

me: okay i am posting this

Ellen: lets make people pay to read it on the paypal

me: okay
i will put a disclaimer
before you read this you must pay
how much though

Ellen: $50
and if they complain
we will send hamsters to eat their ass
hamsters love ass
tell them that

me: okay
this should be a part of it
so if they read it
they will feel guilty at the end
right now

Ellen: yes!


writing rick moody

I spent three hours writing an open letter to Rick Moody, and deleted it.

Also, I wrote an analysis of that letter here, and deleted that.

I can delete whatever I want. I can lie.

I may or may not have exciting news about the next bear parade book.

It is coming soon.


this is what the editor of bear parade thinks about on an airplane ride.

People are reading books all around me. Everybody on the plane is reading a book, except for me. The babies are reading books. The stewardesses and captains are reading books. My luggage is reading a novella. I'm typing something that will never exist on paper.

Bald people are assholes.

That will never exist on paper, me saying that. I can delete it later if I want to, if I fall in love with a bald person or go bald. I can erase my emotions and my feelings towards the bald.

I'm writing a letter to Rick Moody.


bear parade

bear parade

uh, bear parade